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Apology Not Accepted

I wrote an email to Andrew today. I apologized. But it doesn't matter if he accepts it. This is such a cool concept for me.

There is this guy in my cohort who is obsessed with the doctrine of forgiveness. His whole theology revolves around how he thinks about forgiveness. But, in a way, he must live in a very sad and frustrating place. He is constantly commenting that "God forgives us before we ask so we can't have to ask, can we?" He is terrified that he will forget to ask to be forgiven of something and therefore be guilty forever. And "if other people don't forgive us then are we really forgiven?" He apparently doesn't believe that we are. He is consumed with what others think as a result.

We don't need to be forgiven to find forgiveness. How cool is that? We don't have to spend our days consumed by the question of whether or no someone offers us forgiveness. Of course, we should ask. But once you have asked, your part is done. No one needs to accept our apologies for us to be free from the wrong we have committed.

So I told Drew that I was sorry. I was seeking vindication from the wrong source. I was seeking from Andrew what he could not give. I am sorry. What is really silly about the whole thing is that vindication was mine the entire time. I just couldn't seem to accept it. I kept second guessing and doubting myself. I really never did anything wrong. There was no vindication to seek. Do I believe that Andrew will accept my apology? Yes. In fact, I believe that any and all offenses have already been forgiven. But it can't hurt to express my sorrow over my mistake.

The beauty of apologizing to Andrew is that I realized the power that we have to work healing in our own lives, despite the hurt that others try to put us through. No one has the power to lord over me the mistakes of the past. All I need to do is be sorry for them. Then they have no power.

posted by CT @ 10:05 AM