girlscandoanything

Crying out

Today Ray did something so stupid that I still cannot comprehend it. I keep thinking that I will wake up from this nightmare at some point, but the day keeps going on and I still have not awakened. It must be real. This is truly happening. But the incredibly stupid act that has caused complete turmoil is not the thing that most bothered me today. The most bothersome thing was a response to an email I sent out requesting prayer for Ray and I through this most challenging moment in our life.

While most everyone who read the note and heard what had gone on sent a loving reply, one person sent back a message that stated she would be praying for us, but that she can't help but think that Ray is crying out for attention because I don't spend enough time being her mother.

While I can admit that I don't like to take even constructive criticism, I think the thing that angered me so much about that statement is that lately I have been spending a ton of time with Ray. The other day I was thinking back to what it was like to be working 45 hours a week and going to church on Sunday and having to keep up the yard and the house and everything else. I barely saw Ray then. I would pick her up after 6:00 and be exhausted. I would shove some processed canned crap at her for dinner and then put her to bed. The next day would be the same, and the next and the next. And by the weekend I was so tired and frustrated that I didn't want to do anything at all.

Today I have a job where I work 12 hours. I leave everyday at 3:00 and pick my daughter up at school. I spend every afternoon with her. And when I do have class in the evening, I take her along so she can still spend the evening with me. Most days I make her dinner, not out of a box. Yesterday we spent 2 hours swimming and played a game in the evening. I spend more time with Ray now than I have since she was three years old. I am more involved in her life now than I have ever had the privilege of being. Why do people assume that I am doing something wrong in order for my daughter to have done something wrong. We all make bad choices sometimes. But right now, I am making more good choices than I ever have before.

Another of my friends wrote that he would pray for me clarity and wisdom. I am glad that he has done so, because I am clear about the way that I am raising my child. I am clear about the things that I have been called to, and the way those tasks need be carried out. I am clear about the fact that I am not destroying the life of my child. And I think it very wise for me to go on living my life without concern for the message that I received today accusing me of being the reason that my Ray is acting out.

We will get through all the crap associated with the stupid act of today. (In fact, we have gotten through the day with surprising grace and patience.) Things will get better. And someday, when we are older, we will be able to tell the story of this day and laugh at how ridiculous it all was. Life has been tough for us for awhile now, and today proved more difficult than I could imagine a day could be, but God is making us strong and wonderful people as we navigate this challenging life. One day soon we will be a force to be reckoned with, rather than simply trying to weather the storms of life that overwhelm us. I know this to be true. Maybe Ray is crying out. Maybe I am too. But it is not that we need attention or that we are neglected, it is because life is hard sometimes. But in order for the vessel to be usable, it must endure the pressure of being molded and then be placed in the fire. Once we make it through these things, we can truly be used.

"Though you have made me see troubles many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." Psalm 71:20

posted by CT @ 9:18 PM