girlscandoanything

Which way is up?

I have so much to say that I cannot figure out what to say. Does anyone else ever feel like that? I keep writing stuff and then deleting it and writing something else. I wrote about Rayven, and I wrote about a man, and I wrote about a kiss that did not happen, and I wrote about fear, and I wrote about Latin America, and I wrote about reflection, and I wrote about not knowing who I am---and all of that seems like it doesn't fit together, but it is all wrapped up together in my mind in one big mass of question and concern.

I feel like I am going in a million different directions, but somehow all of that is leading me back to one place. And I'm not sure where that place even is right now. I know that for the first time in ten years I am ready to jump into things that frighten me to no end. I know that the man and the kiss and the little country I feel more and more called to express that readiness. And I know that, somehow, that readiness is leading me into a deeper part of myself--one I have not before known.

Could it be that I am brave? Somewhere deep down in the recesses of my soul could there be a brave woman? You see, I look brave on the outside. I look strong as well. But I am not. I have just done what I needed to do in order to survive. That doesn't make me brave or strong, it only expresses how desperate I truly am. But, the woman that I see emerging in dreams of love and travel and study that only weeks ago did not exist is a woman that is brave. I have never known that woman--at least I do not remember her anymore. But I am glad to meet her now.

I didn't kiss the man, and I don't know what to do about Rayven, and I am nowhere near ready to pack my bags and move to Costa Rica. I am still afraid and I still don't want to push myself to reflect on certain aspects of my life. But I think, despite all of that , I am going to the right place--even if I go a million directions to get there.

I think I like who I am about to become.

posted by CT @ 6:29 PM