girlscandoanything

Way too seriously

Why must people take everything so seriously? It gets on my nerves. Lately I have just been angry with life and angry with God for calling me to something so hard after I have already lived a life that was harsh and challenging. I just want to rest some days, and I don't get to, so from time to time I get upset at where I am and where I am going and how unfair that all seems. But when I get like that, everybody around me seems to get upset.

The Harrisons seemed to understand, so I guess not everybody got upset, but the majority of people who heard of my angst and the miserable way that I felt a few days ago said really stupid things in response, because they just cannot handle that I do not jump up and down for joy over my seminary experience and my call to future ministry. Actually, it is the lack of money and time and the way that I wish I could do and be more than I am presently that frustrates me, and not the seminary or the call--but the two go hand in hand right now.

"You shouldn't begrudge your call." "Maybe you don't belong here." "Why don't you just....(insert myriad of reasonable for others but impossible for single moms suggestions for how to run one's life here)" Everyone seems to have a solution to the problem. It has not occurred to many people that I don't want them to solve an equation and give proofs.

I just want to be angry. I just want to feel sorry for myself and for my kid for one stinking day. I just want to let God know that I am tired and that things can get easier anytime. I just want to let out some frustrations. I just want to vent/rant/yell/cry for one flipping day. Why does everyone need to take that so seriously. The world is not ending because I am having a tough day. Just allow me a tough day. I deserve one every now and then.

We are told time and again to rejoice in our sufferings. I don't think that means to ignore our sufferings. I think in order to rejoice in them, we need to live in them. Someday soon I will be able to rejoice that God has brought me through this trying time. I will remember all the great times here with friends and my cohort, all the great education and the "aha" moments that transformed me. I may even rejoice within the trying times. Even as I struggled through a challenging weekend, I laughed a lot and had a great time with friends. But I don't think that I need to always enjoy every moment of every thing that God has called me to. If I did, what exactly would be the sacrifice that I have made on behalf of my faith?

Jesus said in this world I would have trouble. He knew the sacrifice would be unpleasant--he experienced that sacrifice firsthand. And in the moments before the greatest sacrifice of all time he cried out and sweat and bled and became frustrated and begged for something other than the call that had been given him. If my savior is able to cry out in anguish, why am I not afforded the same struggle? I should be.

The challenges that brought me to the painful place where I was the other day are still present in this day, but they don't feel as challenging now. I have been given grace to deal with the call on my life. God will continue to give that grace, so it matters little whether my friends and colleagues can extend such. Still, I wish I could just tell them to lighten up. Stop trying to figure out how to solve the problem that is my life and simply be there to hold me while I cry over it. Stop taking everything so seriously.

posted by CT @ 9:11 PM