girlscandoanything

Seminary Sucks

Seminary Sucks. I cried more this week than I have in a long time. Everything is always pushing me to a deeper level. Every month I am deeper in debt. Every quarter I am more deeply invested in the process. Every cohort meeting I am more deeply involved in the lives of these 13 people who I was once forced into community with. And every class pushes me deeper into myself, forcing me to emerge from behind the walls that I have built to protect my fragile little heart.

I am starting to break open, and the real me is starting to pour out through the cracks. I can't seem to stop this from happening, and that scares me. I don't like to be exposed--out there for the world to see. I am always honest, but I never fully disclose--until now. And that sucks, because I am forced to risk failure and struggle and heartache of all sorts by letting the whole world see what is really at the heart of me.

Once again I am crying.

I don't know if I can do this, but I cannot seem to stop this. I am forced to tread down a path that leads to full disclosure. I am forced to express who I was, who I am, and who I will be without any buffers or coatings or smokescreens. I am more real and true than I have ever been, and I hate it. Seminary is stripping me bare, and it sucks.

posted by CT @ 10:26 PM