girlscandoanything

His cup runneth over

Today I got an email from Scott Mawhinney. It was one of the most beautiful and love filled expressions that I have received in some time. He has become a man filled to overflowing with love and grace. I wanna be like that--only not the man part.

The funny thing is, I am like that--on the inside. I feel the way Scott speaks. I feel love and compassion and grace and all of that stuff, but I don't let it spill out. I keep it bottled. And I guess that I do this because I believe that people don't want to hear and see the stuff that I feel, but I'm not sure that makes sense in light of how great it feels to read the words that Scott wrote. I write that way in my journal. I speak that way somewhere in the depths of my soul. But, somehow, what comes out of my mouth is rarely something of depth and feeling. I'm not sure why.

I sometimes think that people will believe me to be condescending if I am super loving. But that should only be the case if I am being condescending, which I would not be. I also sometimes think that being expressive leads me into a place of vulnerability. The second thought is probably the one that most scares me. The second thought is the one that keeps me from writing Scott-like emails to the people I care about. The second one is the one that paralyzes me and keeps me from saying "I love you" when I really feel like I should and causes me to force my emotion and care for people down into my chest rather than letting it escape through words or tears--though the tears have a way of coming anyway these days. I am simply afraid to love people. This same fear plagues me still. It has plagued me for years. And it seems that everytime I get close to letting someone behind the wall that something ugly and horrible happens to force the door to the whole of my heart closed once again.

Actually, the last ugly and horrible was really a long time ago, and I guess that is why all this talk of vulnerability and love is coming out now. It has been two years since the "D-word" experience and I have survived it without harm and with the one I held dear still being dear to me. I am on the road of restoration and that is why I am so occupied with loving. I have survived what I thought I would not. My heart was broken by deceipt and lies and angry words and foolish actions, but I survived it. I am coming to terms with the fact that being vulnerable has not destroyed anything except what was not good and right in the first place. A false and manipulative friendship was destroyed--thank God--but all else has been righted and brought into even more redeemed relationship. So there is nothing to fear in speaking my heart as Scott has. There is nothing to fear in being vulnerable with those you care about and for. It is a good thing to have love and grace pour over into people's lives, and I will make an effort to be on the outside what I am on the inside.

posted by CT @ 4:24 PM