girlscandoanything

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

I started my second intensive course of the summer quarter tonight. It is about sex. Before class David said, "So you guys are gonna talk about sex?" and I immediately began singing the song Let's Talk About Sex. Fortunately the professor found it humorous--as did everyone else in the class.

I feel like this class is a good thing. This first night was affirming in many ways. My ideas of how the spiritual and the sexual are intricately connected were affirmed. My desire to reframe a poor idea of sexuality that I developed during a messed up time of my childhood was affirmed. And the fact that I am scared to death of starting a new relationship was affirmed.

I have just gotten to the point where I can verbalize my desire to go out with a guy I have been attracted to for a year. And that feels like great progress. To be able to say that I wish Doug would ask me out seems like great progress--and I haven't courage to tell Doug that, just people who know Doug. How long have I been this messed up? And how long will it take to stop being afraid? And what is there to be afraid of?

I already know that love requires risk and it often brings pain. That I have come to terms with. But I do fear losing my power and being sucked into a relationship that threatens to kill me, instead of causes me to thrive. Somehow I know that great guys like Doug don't do that to people and that there is no reason to fear that anymore, but deep down I remember how it felt to be treated horribly by someone you loved. And that is why it has taken me a year to come to terms with the fact that I am attracted to a man.

I hope and pray that this class can help me find a way back to wholeness. The fact of the matter is I really desire to be with someone again. And I can't let the process of finding someone to be with take fifteen years. I need to find a way to let go and become new in my relationships. Maybe telling Doug that I like Doug would be a good start. If I want to keep my power I ought not stand around acting powerless. It is time for me to move, no matter the risks I fear. I don't want to be a slave to fear anymore than I do a slave to some man. Indeed, it is time to act.

posted by CT @ 10:42 PM