girlscandoanything

Black Friday

I'm not sure where the term Black Friday came from, but it seems fitting today. While I would prefer to participate in "Buy Nothing Day", I did go out for breakfast with my neighbor boys after midnight last night, so I technically bought something already. Only one of them is a boy--the other is a few years older and can without question be called a man, but I still call him a boy most of the time. I think that term is less threatening.

Today is black because every time I turn around someone I love is depressed, confused, frustrated, or lonely. Broken hearts are abundant this week. Feelings of futility run rampant. Death has visited many. Illness plagues a few. There is much to be questioned and many of the answers we receive don't ease any pain. This day seems black.

As I sit and think on all the struggle that befalls us, I wonder how much of it we have chosen to endure. I read a page from my journal today and recognized that I admit within that page that I am purposing to destroy a relationship by my own stubbornness and refusal to accept love and extend trust. And today I find myself stuck in the very same place. Last night I finally expressed something that would have indicated a willingness to begin a relationship and start anew, but last night I had 7 "Misty drinks" (which mostly consist of Capt. Morgan) so what I finally expressed could simply be misunderstood as an intoxicated woman. It is safe to express these things when I can blame it on booze later. And I haven't gotten any smarter since the page in my journal was written a few years ago. I still can't seem to accept the one thing I most desire and to trust someone with who I am and what I feel. Is that my own damn fault? Do I cause myself to suffer perpetual broken-heartedness by my unwillingness to change the way I feel and act? Or am I unable to change those things?

I think that I will tell the boy/man that I do like him, with and without the Misty drinks. Perhaps I must force change upon myself. I suppose there are many things that those I love now suffer which cannot be avoided, and which enter their lives without warning. But I also suppose that there are some things we suffer due to our own inability or unwillingness to stop suffering such things.

I wonder if God's will is strong enough to supersede my own. In theory it is. Any systematic theologian would claim the power and strength of God over all things. But will God really choose to change that which I choose not to change? Will he bring into my life a man who is stubborn enough to stay despite my "come hither/go away complex" and my mistrusting nature and my absolute fear of being left broken-hearted and empty? Can he cause me to change those things about myself and remove all the mistrust and the fear and the complex way I relate (or fail to relate)?

I guess deep down I want to believe that God will do those things--that his power will overcome my will in certain areas of life that I can't seem to grasp and to mold in healthy or helpful ways. I will confuse the boy/man. I will draw him near and then push him away. I will fear him and want him. I will not let him see how I want him and need him. I will make a mess out of this. In many ways I already have. But somehow I must believe that this is not the end of love and trust in my life. (And along with it friendship and intimacy and family and stability and sex--just to name a few.) Somehow I must believe that this too shall pass and that there is a transcendent power in the universe that will order things in such a way that I am someday soon capable of change. I must believe that I can be stopped from suffering the things I cause myself to suffer. While I know pain will always intrude upon my life in some ways, I know that somehow I must stop bringing pain upon myself. Then, even if this particular Friday is always considered "Black", it will not always feel black.

posted by CT @ 3:21 PM