Defeating the Monster
Suddenly you realize you have let the darkness get too close. Suddenly you realize that the grief of the past has become a present pain. Suddenly what once was shapes what now is. And I need to escape it. No, not escape it--I need to walk through it. I cannot run from it. I must confront it. But how?I am so good at confronting the establishment, the tradition, the injustice, the lie. But I am not skilled at confronting the mistaken identity that I built as a little child to protect innocence and beauty. I created something ugly to escape from something ugly, and now that monster which I have created must be confronted and the things that the ugliness was designed to protect must be found and embraced. They are still there--somewhere under layers and layers of defenses lies a little girl's innocence, beauty, trust and love. It is time for her to emerge. That little girl as she was before all the ugliness began. That little girl is the one that can love and trust. I need to become that little girl once more. I need to strip off the layers and find the core of that beautiful little being and to make it the core of my own.
But it is my own. What lives at the heart of her still lives at the heart of me. I am not so scarred and broken that I have become someone else. I have all the love and trust and innocence and beauty that I shall ever need within me. I was created with it. It is a part of me. I only need to accept that part of me. It is not a confrontation that is needed. What is needed is an embrace.
posted by CT @ 9:42 PM
2 Comments:
Naturally, that little girl wasn't perfect, either. And what lives at the heart of you is richer, more malleable, and more textured than what lives at the heart of her (albeit probably also more cynical, self-deluding, possibly saddened) . . don't you think? You have way more to offer than she does, I think.
Thank you, Adam. And I suppose you are correct. I hadn't really thought of it that way because right now I feel so much loss and so much anger and so much futility, but you are right. Perhaps what needs happen is for she and myself to somehow become one--an overlaying of the one upon the other--instead of feeling like all that was pure resides in one place, and all that is jaded resides in another. Perhaps if I were pure and jaded I could find all that I have to offer. Right now I just feel disconnected.
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