girlscandoanything

For months now

Well...it seems that keeping up with my blog is not a priority the last while. I haven't written anything for months now. But, there is plenty I could have written. I could have written about my many classes that challenged and angered me this summer. I could have written about the relationships that have come and those that have gone--the many gains and losses of transition--or the job search, or the way that I cannot seem to leave what I love, even when it doesn't want me to stay. Actually, I think I will write about the thing I love and cannot leave, even when it doesn't want me to stay.

I sit in a poor excuse for an office at a church where I do not work. My internship was complete a couple of months ago and I wasn't hired by JonMark and Rob--mostly because I am overqualified and therefore have no true longevity to promise them. I keep showing up here. I volunteer where I can, I sit on Karyn or JonMark's sofas and read, or I just work on school stuff and emails in my poor excuse for an office. It is strange that I cannot leave. In so many ways I belong here. In so many ways this community needs my vision and my voice, but it doesn't seem to want that vision and that voice. At least not the whole community.

I have five ministers who support the idea of me being paid by the church to intern with Neighborhood Ministries while helping the church connect with the surrounding community. JonMark has even said that I am the missing link--one who can live in this context and live in the context of the poverty of the city and move from one world to the other. I am the bridge between middle class white society and the darkest corners of our city. But the church as a whole, while it needs the bridge, doesn't seem to want to cross it. So I remain here, hoping to be honored as the bridge, but never seeing that hope realized. And I dread the moment when I am forced to leave. I dread the moment when they finally say, not just with actions but with words, "We don't want this." I dread the moment when they verbalize that they don't want to be Christ--when they prove that Christ's call to love and feed and clothe and bring freedom is not a part of their agenda. I dread that moment because putting me out is not only hurting me, but it is denying the support of those amazing ministers who believe that I am what this community needs--that the vision God has placed in my mind, and the compassion and love God placed in my heart are what the people of God need. The gap between the visionaries and the "old boys" threatens to widen. And I hate to leave the people that I love divided and frustrated. But I feel powerless to connect them.

I will stay. Even after they clear out my desk and send me on my way, I will stay. Perhaps I cannot be of help to them in any official capacity. Perhaps I must find support for my ministry in another place. But I will remain a part of this community, and I will give the ministers who choose to accept it the opportunity to reach into the city and to work for change. I will build a bridge, regardless of how many people choose to cross it. I AM a bridge. That is my purpose. That is my call. And no amount of "old boys" can keep me from living out my calling.

I really love this crazy messed-up place. I belong here--at least one foot belongs here. The other belongs in the barrios and dark alleys of this city. And maybe my poor excuse for an office will remain for a longer time than I anticipate. Maybe my young minister friends have more influence than I know, or maybe God will grant my prayers and change hearts and budgets in favor of my support. I have a feeling that changing the world happens one heart at a time. I'm praying that enough hearts change that we don't need a bridge. Someday, we will all live on the same side.

posted by CT @ 9:31 AM