Hebrew B and the inner workings of CT's brain?
I have just finished my Hebrew mid-term. I feel like a person of genius and a f*****g idiot all at once. How can I be smart and slow? How can I be wise and a complete dork? How can I be accomplishing so very much and be weeks and months and years behind where I want to be?Lately I wonder how life can be so wonderful and yet leave so much room for disappointment or disapproval. It isn't that I don't love life and all the amazing people and places and projects that fill up that life. I do. But I just always think there should be more. I want more. I don't even know what "more" is, but I still want it.
Maybe I just want to be more. I never feel like I am being enough--regardless of how much I am doing. But what sort of "more" could I be? What does more look like and how do you become such? I could be more gracious, more thankful, more patient, more attentive, more organized...
Sure, there are many "more" things that I could focus on. But I am not certain that becoming more of any of those things would satisfy my desire. I think I'll still want more. And maybe I should want more. If I were content with all just as it is I would have nothing more to motivate me, nothing more toward which to aspire, and, frankly, nothing more to do. Where is the adventure in that?
Perhaps, in the end, being the beautiful mess that I am is better than being "more".
posted by CT @ 3:02 AM
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