Thinking about not thinking
Well...it appears I have been out of commission for some time. I have not written anything in more than a month--okay, not entirely true because I have simply not written any posts in a month. I have written papers, exams, book reviews, a letter or two, some poetry, and even a song. I have written proposals, I have written curriculum, and I have even written my congressional representative--twice. I was offered the chance to write a review for Youth Worker Journal, but I turned it down. I'm still not sure why. Perhaps a fear of premature publication--writing something not quite good enough or rich enough or valuable enough and then always wishing the third work I published was the first. But I suppose that every writer starts somewhere. I'm sure that my friend Joe laughs at his stories from 15 years ago as he works on his latest novel. I don't know that I have ever asked him if there is an early work that he regrets.I think that I shall stop writing about writing and write something now.
Hmmm....what to write. It has been a long time since I last wrote anything and I am not sure what to write. I have been reading a lot of things that I wrote a few years ago lately, and that is always kinda cool and kinda embarrassing. It is funny how much I change in a year or two, or seven. It is funny how different life seems when you look back at it instead of being immersed in it. And once you realize how funny it is, all you can do is apologize. So I have. To a couple people, and especially to myself. Because I put myself through way too much by over-thinking while I'm in the middle of stuff that will be really funny in five years. I'm going to stop doing that now.
Probably not entirely, but at least I'll cut back.
Actually, I think I'm starting to do a little better at not thinking. I stopped thinking about the boy-man, and now we are getting to be better friends and are spending more time together. I stopped thinking about Costa Rica, and now people are encouraging me to pursue going there. I stopped thinking about my PhD and now I am getting fantastic grades in every class. I stopped thinking about how screwed up it is that people at home don't get me, and I realized I hate back home and I never want to be there anyway. I stopped thinking about the rules and following them and being the good mom who gets everything done and now the math assignments are never done and the dishwasher still hasn't been emptied most days, but I have time to spend playing and I am finally seeing little glimpses of my former beautiful and happy girl emerging once more. I stopped thinking about my Hebrew Strong Verb Chart and I started hanging out with my study group and the neighbor boys and drinking too much beer and laughing a lot. I stopped thinking about what life should be like, and I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of a life. And now I am more busy and more frantic in so many ways, but I am feeling calm and good and happy and free in so many more ways. My life is taking time, but that time is so good and so rich and so blessed that I don't feel busy or frantic as much anymore.
I think I am falling in love. (This suddenly occurred to me.) I am falling in love with life. It has been a long time since any fondness toward life was expressed. This is an occasion to be remembered. I must build an altar--metaphorically of course. I need a way to remind myself that this is the day that life felt like something I not only want, but something I love. I'm not sure I've felt that way since I was a small child. I hope the feeling lasts for all of my life. I believe that it may, if I don't think too much. If I remember to play, and eat, and drink, and laugh, and watch football with the guys, and dance around the living room, and sing loudly in rush hour traffic with the windows down, and color, and run, and hug people, and kiss people, and curl up under the fuzzy fleece blanket with my feet tucked cozily under Nic's leg while watching the best movies ever made, and learn to dance the cha cha, and stay up until 5 a.m. saying things that seem like things you only say when you are tired and had too much Capt. Morgan but really they are things that I would say any time, any day, in any state if I had the chance, but you rarely have the chance to let all of that stuff spill out until it is 5 a.m.
Wow...it is almost five a.m.
posted by CT @ 3:49 AM
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