girlscandoanything

More Sex

Wow. This class gets under the surface of my skin and gnaws at me. I have not felt such discontent and frustration for some time. Who knew that sexuality and gender would be such a topic of question and argument and struggle? I certainly thought it would be more clear cut than it is. And I certainly thought that the people in my class would share my progressive views--after all, it is Fuller. But I was wrong on both counts. And I am frustrated on both counts.

I don't understand why maleness and femaleness have to be such a big deal. We kept coming back the the idea of the "bell curve" and saying that this tool expresses the average norm of maleness and of femaleness. Then we took this silly test that was supposed to show us the differences between males and females. Well...If the bell curve and the tests are correct I am really a male, despite my ample female anatomy, and Matt and Andrew are really female. I cannot understand why we continue to force distinctions between male traits and female traits when a huge portion of the population cannot and will not fit neatly on the bell curve. I cannot understand why the professor of a sexuality and gender issues course refers to leadership as "maleness". If I am called to leadership then am I called to be male? I have a freaking uterus people--a working, baby bearing uterus--I cannot be male! So the idea of something other than anatomy or hormones being male makes no sense.

I reject the bell curve. I refuse to believe that some qualities "belong" to males and others "belong" to females. Yes, I am a mother and I have good verbal skills and I used to play with Barbie and I love to bake and I cry easily and often. But I also love to whitewater raft and I like to build stuff and I can preach great sermons and I like to destroy things and I can read a map without using landmarks to give directions. My daddy loves to crochet and to garden. My mom balances the checkbook and pays the bills. Did it ever occur to anyone that personal traits might not be based on gender or sex at all?

Why can't we just let people be?

One student asked what the bible says about gender roles. It is actually devoid of any specific instruction regarding gender. I think that is purposeful. I don't think that maleness and femaleness need to be anything other than physiological and anatomical in nature. There is no direction that clearly expresses otherwise. I don't understand why we feel the need to impose roles upon gender or traits upon gender or expectations upon gender. And I believe that if we would reject the bell curve and reject gender specific traits that we would be better able to grow up into healthy and whole persons. Why should we force people to feel different and divided by devising a strange system of gender traits and roles?

I feel like I am right back in junior high. I am the strange girl who gets along with the boys and likes to tinker and who is bold and loud and unkempt. After fighting for years to gain ground and become okay with who I am as a person, I am now told by some of my fellow seminarians and my professor that I do not fit the norm and that I am too much like a boy. And then they say that is okay, but if I really am a girl who behaves like a boy, then that cannot just be okay. If I should be one thing, but I have become another, then I am not okay. By holding on to this strange idea of traits that are male and traits that are female we tell people, every day, that they are not okay. And that is a load of crap.

Being a woman makes me feminine. I don't need to prove that I am woman. That fact is evident. So why should I have to find some proof of being feminine? I shouldn't. And if I hold to the concept of the bell curve I can't prove my femininity. The bell curve only expresses my masculinity. But I am not masculine. I am a woman. And as I stated before, being a woman makes me feminine. I cannot be a male woman. Matt and Andrew cannot be female men. And, frankly, that so many people would entertain the idea that we could be such disturbs me. I will read a map and build stuff and lead and preach, but I will never be male. To believe otherwise is ridiculous.

posted by CT @ 10:15 PM