girlscandoanything

Ruthless Trust?

The other day I picked up a book from JonMark's desk and read the whole thing. Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. I really think it was what I needed to read this week, despite the ridiculousness of reading for "pleasure" in the midst of finishing up grad school. And I think that it affirmed lots of stuff that has already been swimming around in my brain. But, I often wonder how to get from reading something to living something with any sort of grace. Today, I think that I lived ruthless trust and then I lost all hope and then I went back to trusting again. So it likely wasn't really ruthless trust from the start.

I feel like much of my day was defined by external motivators. I was nervous about my exams. I was ecstatic about finishing my exams with hours to spare. I was happy with the email that Matt sent. I was sad when talking with Rob about leaving my apartment. I was really sad when I talked to my mom about not being home for Christmas--I've never been away from my family for Christmas, not ever. I was happy again when I thought about seeing Drew soon. I was excited to talk to Robert, and honored that he would suggest my moving down there and blessed by the fact that he knows my heart. It was a sort of roller-coaster day. And for awhile I thought that how I was feeling was tied to whether or not I was trusting. But I think that may not be the case, after all.

In fact, I am sure it is not the case. Because I sit here now feeling fine--peaceful, happy, content--and I know that none of the things that bothered me or blessed me today have changed. Even though the same stuff that brought on various emotions is still present in my life, I find that I am not worried about any of those things. The good things are still good and the bad things are still bad, but I am simply here being present in this moment with no hint of worry or doubt. Life is crazy and uncertain and challenging, but I am feeling calm and secure. And I think that means that I am trusting more fully than I sometimes think I am.

posted by CT @ 7:49 PM