Time for Writing
So...I haven't written all summer. I suppose 22 units of seminary classes will do that to a girl, but I can tell that not writing has taken its toll. I can tell because I've been unloading on Andrew for at least a month, and finally starting to feel guilty about it. It is partly his fault, though. He puts up with me time and again and even encourages me sometimes.Anyway... it is time. Time to let out all of the ugly and get back to a more positive, hopeful place. I got rid of a ton of emotion already today. Karyn asked me at one point how I was and I said "I don't know" and kinda bounced around her office like I'd been smokin' crack and then went back to my office to get some work done. Work did not get done. I've not been so agitated in a very long time, and I found it somewhat disturbing. So, I did what any self-respecting girl would do and went up to the third floor youth room and played the piano for an hour. At one point Rob discovered me up there pounding my heart out, but he left me be. And after I didn't feel so crazy, but I still didn't get much done. So, I wrote Drew. And, now that I think of it, I think that worked wonders.
I still feel a little off, and I am sure there is more that I could write/say about the way I've been feeling lately, but something about knowing that one of my dearest most loving friends knows the way I've been feeling is comforting. Maybe today just writing it isn't good enough. Maybe today--and all month apparently--I need to write my friend. Maybe my friend even needs to hear what I have to say. After all, our recent journeys seem to be aligning in interesting ways. The struggle with denominations, with inclusivist thinking, with relationships, with finding out just how far we can sink before we decide it is time to figure out how to be healthier--the past year it seems we are on the same page more often than not (a complete shock given the history of our relationship) and I think that maybe the dear friend who is on my page is the best one to read the words that presently pour from my heart.
So... yea for writing Andrew. And now what? None of the challenge or question or frustration goes away at the speaking/writing of the words. So what is to be done with them after they are expressed? I'm not certain. What I am certain of is that the road I am now on is the road that my friend will soon follow me down. What I do know is that I will begin to pray now that he handles this particular pass with more grace than I.
It was not long ago, it seems, that I started my journey and answered this call. It doesn't seem that years have passed in arriving at this moment. In this moment, it seems that no person could possibly feel ready for this moment. How can one propose to be ready to change lives, change society, and change the world? How can one be ready to bring heaven to earth and to save lives and to heal bodies and souls? How can one possibly be ready for this task? I don't feel ready. I AM ready. I don't feel ready. And I'm not sure how to justify the person that I am with the things that I feel. I'm not quite sure how I can be a pastor and feel so unprepared for such a vocation. I guess that this vocation is unique in that sense--you never know enough, see enough, understand enough or be enough. There is always some way that you are not enough, no matter how much you study and practice and learn. I guess that is because people's lives are never what you think they might be--they are always more dynamic, more chaotic, and more messy than can be controlled through knowledge or will. So...I am ready. I can't feel the readiness, but I have faith that I am truly ready to face this task.
posted by CT @ 9:28 PM
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