I need an accountant
I need an accountant, and I don't even have any money. I made like 4000 dollars this year, but I did it in all these strange little ways and have all these forms to file and schedules to complete. I really hate taxes. In the UK, they just figure out how much you owe them and send you a bill. But I suppose our government is so corrupt they would just rip everybody off. Of course, I might notice. If I made 4000 dollars and had to pay tax, I might find that a bit suspicious. I wonder if you can deduct beer for Hebrew study group meetings as an educational expense. Beer should be deductible anyway. It could probably be considered a medical expense--it cures seminary induced stress headaches. Folk music could be deductible under the same. I have now justified liquor and itunes as itemized deductions--perhaps I make a pretty good accountant after all.Next year I hope to be an 813000 when I file. A religious or civic organization. How crazy is that? The other day, on the way home from cohort, I actually stated to Nic that this could be my "dream come true". Then I thought it stupid to state such a thing. I shouldn't get my hopes up--way too much could go way too wrong. But the fact that there are people who want to hear my missions/outreach proposal at all is most exciting. I can't help but wonder if this is where the promise begins--this is where the new life enters in and the curse is lifted and the striving all becomes worth it. Maybe this is the dream coming true. Maybe this is the vision that I have been given coming to life and finding its expression in a very real, very tangible way. If it does, next year I will definitely need an accountant.
What the Funk
I am in one of those moods where I am in a bad mood but I don't know why I'm in a bad mood. "In a funk" Karyn called it. Yep... Dave says I need more sleep. I slept all day Sunday. Heidi says I need less stress. Not likely to happen.I think I just need to be in a bad mood. Maybe I just need a season of lament. We are really afraid of lament in our society. (Bitching we seem to be okay with, but lament we find uncomfortable for some reason.) But sometimes I think that it is okay to look at the world and to be sad--to mourn over the state of things and to wish for something better. And sometimes I think that we are unable to be happy and well and fine unless we first move through a time of being disquiet, uncomfortable, and disenchanted. Otherwise the good times seem to somehow lack conviction. So I embrace being "in a funk", and I lament. This too shall pass--I hope it does so quickly.
Always issues
The boys mock my issues. I think they believe that such issues only arise when I am drinking. They are wrong. They just only see me when I am drinking--because they are always drinking. I really worry about the same things and confront the same things and try to deal with the same things every day. They just don't see those moments. Beer and bravery don't go hand in hand. Beer and being sad don't go hand in hand. Beer and being confrontational don't go hand in hand. All those things exist without the beer. I think they would rather believe that the beer has something to do with the issues. Then they can pretend the issues aren't there. (Mine, and theirs.) Because that is really what our lives are often about--avoiding the real issues. Perhaps you can take the boys out of the Midwest, but you cannot take the Midwest out of the boys. Avoiding issues reminds me so much of the home that I hate and have run away from. I hope that you can take the Midwest out of the boys. Once Denise is gone, I have very little "real" in my life once more. I need people who can live in the midst of my reality, rather than pretend that all my chaos and all of my pain don't exist. I am truly a beautiful mess (and you cannot see the beautiful without accepting the mess). We all are.
Hebrew B and the inner workings of CT's brain?
I have just finished my Hebrew mid-term. I feel like a person of genius and a f*****g idiot all at once. How can I be smart and slow? How can I be wise and a complete dork? How can I be accomplishing so very much and be weeks and months and years behind where I want to be? Lately I wonder how life can be so wonderful and yet leave so much room for disappointment or disapproval. It isn't that I don't love life and all the amazing people and places and projects that fill up that life. I do. But I just always think there should be more. I want more. I don't even know what "more" is, but I still want it. Maybe I just want to be more. I never feel like I am being enough--regardless of how much I am doing. But what sort of "more" could I be? What does more look like and how do you become such? I could be more gracious, more thankful, more patient, more attentive, more organized... Sure, there are many "more" things that I could focus on. But I am not certain that becoming more of any of those things would satisfy my desire. I think I'll still want more. And maybe I should want more. If I were content with all just as it is I would have nothing more to motivate me, nothing more toward which to aspire, and, frankly, nothing more to do. Where is the adventure in that? Perhaps, in the end, being the beautiful mess that I am is better than being "more".
