It all comes CRASHing down
This week has been maddening. I did way too much in just seven days. I feel like eight weeks has gone by and I should be on a plane tomorrow headed for the frozen tundra that I swore I would never again visit in the winter, but there are still eight weeks to go before I leave the Valley of the Sun and go to the Flatlands of the Pigs.
Part of the reason that I feel like so much happened is that so much happened. Not even in the physical sense of events taking place, but in my head and in my heart and in my spirit. I started working on the leadership team of CRASH, an emergent service branching out of the Baptist church I am interning at, and all of these thoughts and reflections and even emotions just sort of began to rise up and materialize in front of me. And now I need to figure out what to do with them--how to respond to them.
As I took some time to reflect today, I found themes of grace and of unity as well as division and judgment everywhere I looked. The entire week has been the most encouraging and the most saddening experience because I see the amazing thing that the Body of Christ is, and I see the horrible thing that the members of that body threaten to become. On Monday, as I sought to help a Kosher Jew find food products that could be served in his restaurant without violating the regulations placed upon him and his fellow men and women, I proclaimed to my colleagues, "Thank God I am a Christian and I am free from the law!" On Friday I am wishing that we had some standard by which to measure our progress as a church that was less easily misunderstood than the question that has become a credo, "What would Jesus do?"
While I would not trade the freedom for anything, I cannot help but wonder how our freedom moved us to behave in a manner that is so far from free. Consumerism, church politics, hard hearts, unrepentant lives, action without purpose, dogma without action, and a myriad of other issues have invaded my consciousness this week. I want to know how to make freedom free again. I want to know what Paul knew as he wrote his letters to the churches. I want to know what Christ knew as he challenged the powers of the world and the presuppositions of the mind and the standards of society without faltering. I want to know what Luther knew as he nailed the theses to the door of the church. I want to know freedom. That freedom bound those men to the will of God in such a way that even without the law they were not exempt from living just and holy lives. Freedom
should bind us. Freedom in Christ binds us to truth and to grace. I long for a place where I am so free that I can be deeply and affectively bound to grace and truth without shame. The church should be that place.
Bonhoeffer in
Life Together eludes to the thing that I seek. He calls it the ministry of proclaiming. That is what I desire. He states, "Why should we be afraid of one another, since both of us have only God to fear? Why should we think that our brother would not understand us, when we understood very well what was meant when somebody spoke God's comfort or God's admonition to us, perhaps in words that were halting and unskilled? Or do we really think there is a single person in this world who does not need either encouragement or admonition? Why then has God bestowed Christian brotherhood upon us?"
In the margin I once wrote "speak out, girl" to myself. On another occasion, I wrote in the margin "they understand, yes; but they also react against--it is the reaction I fear." Today I write at the bottom of the page (the margin is now full) "But Bonhoeffer has already solved that problem, CT. Both of us have only God to fear." We are the Body of Christ. As such, we should have only God to fear. We should be so free in Christ that we are unashamed to comfort and to correct our brothers and sisters in Christ.
Be free my brothers and sisters. Ya'll know I'm gonna speak the truth in your life, whether you want it or not. Follow my lead. Don't be ashamed to be the agent of truth and of grace in the world, in your community, in your apartment. Don't be afraid to be the Body of Christ. Don't be afraid of freedom.
I am thankful for CRASH. The challenge and the blessing that it is and that it faces has given me challenge and blessing this week.
Turn Around
I am amazed at how quickly things change. One moment life seems to be heading in one direction, and the next you have completely turned around and you are heading the other way. I've never understood how that can be so, but in many ways I am grateful for the unexplained phenomenon.
Just a few weeks ago I was gushing about the way that I love my newfound community/family. Last week I was challenged by the response of some in that same community. Last week I was struggling with my lack of influence and the way I feel unused. Today I am surrounded by people who cannot wait to have me join them in ministry, and they almost need to fight over who will have me work with them and when. There is so much for me to do, and so much I am capable of doing, that I am almost overwhelmed. A month ago I was desperately missing so many people who have meant so much in my life. Today I am again reading through the many emails from loved ones that have poured into my inbox over the course of the past two weeks, and I feel so close to those that have shaped my life the most over the past few years. The way that things can turn around amazes me.
I like that things can turn around. I guess this post will once again prove what a bad Calvinist I make, because I cannot help but think that I love having the chance for things to turn (and the will to turn when I choose). In a moment your world can fall apart, and that can be bad. But in just one more moment, all things can be made right and you can turn toward something good and wonderful again. I like having the hope of things turning around. I like knowing that even when I turn the wrong way there is hope that I can turn back. When I think of every turn of events in my life, and even in my day, I am filled with an incredible hope. While some of the turns are negative, being able to turn is a blessed and beautiful thing. Life can turn around. I can turn, others can turn, God can turn things around. And I trust that one day all things will be turned in the right direction, and I trust that everything will turn out great. I await that day with great anticipation.
In the meantime, I will keep on turning around and around, I am certain. I will go the wrong way, things will get crazy, I will change my mind. Circumstances will befall me, and wild and wondrous things will result. But all the time I stand secure in the one thing that will always be true of my life--things can turn around. All things can turn and be directed for my good and for God's glory. And eventually, all things will be directed toward such.
I have turned from loving my community to doubting its sincerity and love. I have turned from feeling unused to feeling productive in the most wonderful transcendent sense of productivity. I have turned from overwhelming loss to the knowledge and experience of extraordinary love and affection. I turn toward the hope of moving in the right direction as even my way of thinking turns around and becomes positive in direction.
And now I turn my attention to the ever-growing stack of homework beside the computer, so that I may turn my Hebrew vocab quiz grade around this week! May you have an amazing turn of events today, and may you keep on turning until you are headed in the very best direction.
So Good
Psalm 133:
How good and pleasant it is when brothers and sisters live together in unity! It is like precious oil poured on the head, running down on the beard, running down on Aaron's beard, down upon the collar of his robes. It is as if the dew of Hermon were falling on Mount Zion. For there the Lord bestows his blessing, even life forevermore.
It is so good to be loved--truly loved. It is so good to be known, to be understood, to be encouraged, to be affirmed. No matter what chaos or crisis befalls me, I am surrounded by something so good. It is so good to hear from the people that have known me and loved me and stood beside me for years now. It is good to have and to hold the people who now understand me and stand beside me despite events that challenge and seek to divide. The criticism of those who understand little and seek to understand even less is all but gone--merely a whisper whose words I can barely discern. In place of that unknowing criticism I find the shouts of those who stand in solidarity with me. The good and pleasant unity that affirms me as "worthy", "loving", "caring and concerned", as "doing all you possibly can", and "deserving of a little extra because you have been here so long" and because you are "like family". The good and pleasant voices of unity and solidarity tell me to "drown out any criticism", and that "everything will be alright", even though they know the pain that I now endure. "This too shall pass." "We are praying for you." "What can we do?" "You are doing everything you can." "You did the right thing." "Well done."
It is so very good and pleasant to be a part of this community that transcends all earthly knowledge and expresses an unearthly gracious love and understanding. How on earth do people live without this? I love you my dear brothers and sisters. Matt and Shar, John, AJH, Julie B, Dave and Barb, Robert, Pat, Andrew, Bill, Nancy, Robin, Tom, Nic, Adam, Erica, and probably a few more that I cannot now remember--you have been my saving grace these past few days. You have reminded me of how good and pleasant it is when brothers and sisters stand together, live together, in unity. Thank you for loving me in ways that allow you to stand by me no matter what storm I must weather.
Crying out
Today Ray did something so stupid that I still cannot comprehend it. I keep thinking that I will wake up from this nightmare at some point, but the day keeps going on and I still have not awakened. It must be real. This is truly happening. But the incredibly stupid act that has caused complete turmoil is not the thing that most bothered me today. The most bothersome thing was a response to an email I sent out requesting prayer for Ray and I through this most challenging moment in our life.
While most everyone who read the note and heard what had gone on sent a loving reply, one person sent back a message that stated she would be praying for us, but that she can't help but think that Ray is crying out for attention because I don't spend enough time being her mother.
While I can admit that I don't like to take even constructive criticism, I think the thing that angered me so much about that statement is that lately I have been spending a ton of time with Ray. The other day I was thinking back to what it was like to be working 45 hours a week and going to church on Sunday and having to keep up the yard and the house and everything else. I barely saw Ray then. I would pick her up after 6:00 and be exhausted. I would shove some processed canned crap at her for dinner and then put her to bed. The next day would be the same, and the next and the next. And by the weekend I was so tired and frustrated that I didn't want to do anything at all.
Today I have a job where I work 12 hours. I leave everyday at 3:00 and pick my daughter up at school. I spend every afternoon with her. And when I do have class in the evening, I take her along so she can still spend the evening with me. Most days I make her dinner, not out of a box. Yesterday we spent 2 hours swimming and played a game in the evening. I spend more time with Ray now than I have since she was three years old. I am more involved in her life now than I have ever had the privilege of being. Why do people assume that I am doing something wrong in order for my daughter to have done something wrong. We all make bad choices sometimes. But right now, I am making more good choices than I ever have before.
Another of my friends wrote that he would pray for me clarity and wisdom. I am glad that he has done so, because I am clear about the way that I am raising my child. I am clear about the things that I have been called to, and the way those tasks need be carried out. I am clear about the fact that I am not destroying the life of my child. And I think it very wise for me to go on living my life without concern for the message that I received today accusing me of being the reason that my Ray is acting out.
We will get through all the crap associated with the stupid act of today. (In fact, we have gotten through the day with surprising grace and patience.) Things will get better. And someday, when we are older, we will be able to tell the story of this day and laugh at how ridiculous it all was. Life has been tough for us for awhile now, and today proved more difficult than I could imagine a day could be, but God is making us strong and wonderful people as we navigate this challenging life. One day soon we will be a force to be reckoned with, rather than simply trying to weather the storms of life that overwhelm us. I know this to be true. Maybe Ray is crying out. Maybe I am too. But it is not that we need attention or that we are neglected, it is because life is hard sometimes. But in order for the vessel to be usable, it must endure the pressure of being molded and then be placed in the fire. Once we make it through these things, we can truly be used.
"Though you have made me see troubles many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." Psalm 71:20
