I am a failure
Okay...so I am not just being negative. I really failed two classes. But I did it deliberately. I had taken incompletes in two courses when the worst chaos of life this past difficult year came upon me. I had every intention of finishing the work. And then I changed my mind. I don't want to be behind. I don't want to push to get the grade. I want to learn stuff. Cramming is not learning. Rushing to write what is required is not learning. So I decided to take the courses over. Which means that I failed them for the now.
What does this mean, I wonder. What sense is there in doing such a thing? I really felt good after making the decision, but then I kept wondering if I did the correct thing.
Today my friend Nigel called. He told me that what I had done proved my integrity. He said he didn't know whether he knew another person who would make the decision to fail. I failed for the sake of learning. And I made the right decision. No one needs a pastor who just does what needs be done to get by. They need someone who is willing to sacrifice what seems important in the eyes of the world, in order to really get to the heart of things. I'm starting to understand, slowly but surely, that I am made of the stuff that makes a good pastor. And I am terrified of the implications that brings. But for the moment, I am proud to be a failure.
Roach Rage
I found a roach in my apartment tonight. Then I totally flipped out and went crazy with the bug spray. Then I totally freaked out because I just sprayed deadly chemicals down the hall. Then I freaked out and sequestered Ray to one corner of the living room so that the deadly chemicals would have less opportunity to make contact with her little person and eventually cause her a slow, painful, cancerous sort of death. And then I freaked out because I was spending so much time freaking out. Then it occurred to me. I have completely lost my mind. Finally the stress has taken over and the once intelligent, strong, amazing woman that existed within my frame is gone. I am a basketcase. But I suppose the first step to recovery is admitting I have a problem. I'm not sure what the other eleven steps may be. I'll keep you posted. For now, I admit that I have gone insane. Somehow that admission seems like progress.
Millions before, millions after
As I contemplate the aftermath of Katrina and listen to stories of friends and co-workers whose families are still missing and see the devastation on the nightly news, I can't help but think that something is terribly wrong with this picture. Sure, the whole mess is wrong. But there is a "wrongness" that is especially annoying to me tonight. It leads me to question the world and our society before and after the horrific event that was and is Katrina. Why didn't we do anything before?
It has been said many times over the past days that those trapped in New Orleans are the poor and the sick. It is clear that many who had means to escape did just that. Those who had no means are still trapped. But we knew they didn't have means. And nothing was said or done to give them means before this tragedy. Now we are doing all sorts of things. Millions of dollars are being donated every hour of the day. The state of New York tonight donated 2.5 million dollars in aid. Today actors and singers gave up to a million dollars each for relief aid. The citizens of Phoenix have raised over 400,000 dollars to date to aid in relief efforts. The city of Phoenix has committed to housing at least 1000 refugees from New Orleans who will begin to arrive by domestic airline free of charge on Sunday morning. We are doing many wonderful and generous things now.
But why did we not do them before? If the people of this country have millions and millions of dollars to spare, why did we not give any of those dollars to alleviate the problems that contributed to the magnitude of this disaster? Why did we not ensure that the poor and elderly could leave the city before this storm came upon them? Why didn't domestic airlines give them free trips to other states before they were fighting for their lives? Why didn't we pool our millions and alleviate poverty altogether so that everyone in the city had the means to evacuate? Why don't we open our doors to the thousands of homeless that live on our streets every day? Do we have any foresight, or have we been reduced to a completely reactive society? Or, perhaps we are so selfish that only an event of this magnitude will shake our conscience awake.
House the displaced of the Gulf Coast and give to the Red Cross. These are good things. But after, think about what you can do next month and next year to ease the suffering of another. Suffering didn't start with Katrina, and it certainly will not end there. We don't need to sit idly and wait for the next disaster. Some form of devastation is always here.
